A Little Ditty

I stepped in a time warp and fell into a hole that wreaked of familiarity. It was one of the places I used to live when I was a little girl. It was so strange to walk amongst the tenement buildings and hear laughter and shouts; smell stale beer, marijuana and honey suckle; feel sorrow and joy; to see a place so empty and so full at the same time.

Paul and I bought a bunch of candy at the grocery store. We then sat in the car and sifted through childhood memories and chewed strawberry Bubble Yum. Blowing huge bubbles, I felt his protective anger when I shared sad things. Aaah. Soothing like pissing on yourself without fear of consequences. I felt his laughter vibrate through me when I shared funny things. Aaah. Heart opening again. We sang some of the pop songs we remembered from back in the day more out of tune than in.

...a little ditty 'bout Jack & Diane
two kids growin' up in the heartland...

It was one of the best dates I have ever had.

Twenty Questions

Have you ever seen a one armed man dressing a mannequin?

Have you ever sang the wrong lyrics to a song so much that you can't unlearn them and that's just the way you will sing it forever?

Have you ever as an adult spent $15 on penny candy...well nickel candy in these days and times?

Have you ever believed that you had special powers?

Have you ever wished you actually had special powers?

Have you ever laughed so hard you had food or drink come out of your nostrils or the reverse...which would be...laughed so hard you choked on a booger?

Have you ever become blood brothers (sisters) with someone and believed you were linked forever?

Have you ever eaten a whole batch of cookie dough with your best friend?

Have you ever stolen anything?

Have you ever returned something accidentally stolen?

Have you ever worn too much eye make up?

Have you ever seen a cloud shaped like a one armed man dressing a mannequin?

Have you ever seen a midget paddling a canoe?

Have you ever laughed until your side cramped up and tears streamed from your eyes?

Have you ever touched something you shouldn't have just because you just couldn't help it?

Have you ever tasted something you shouldn't have because you just couldn't help it?

Have you ever rejected someone you shouldn't have just because you just couldn't help it?

When was the last time you climbed a tree?

Have you ever seen a ghost?

Have you ever given your whole heart to anyone?

Mothering as a Spiritual Practice

I recently spent an evening with two other friends of mine who are beautiful, smart, warm, caring individuals who also happen to be mothers too. We talked about a lot of things. We had dinner at a Mexican restaurant. Finishing dinner, still deep in conversation and not ready for our evening together to end, we took our "party" to Graeter's for a treat.

While immersing my taste buds in the frigid sweetness of a blueberry sorbet and allowing the stress of the day to melt away in the summer heat we chatted endlessly. The discomfort of the hard bench against my backside completely vanished the more shared and I began to realize just why I needed to be right there in that specific place at that very moment. We talked about our kids, our struggles in parenting and home education, we revealed some difficult truths about ourselves and made ourselves vulnerable with one another with humor appropriately sprinkled throughout. Through our discussions, I realized that we had each helped each other along our paths of discovery in these moments of sharing. We were simultaneously giving birth to new parts of ourselves as we reached new levels of understanding. While each of us labored in our own birth processes, we were also midwives for one another, supporting and encouraging one another. This experience, while it sounds so powerful and special...a sacred moment between friends is not unique in my life.

Since becoming a mother, I have often lingered in a place of doubt, wondering why I ever took on such an impossible task. I must be crazy to have asked for this and then to have taken specific actions to make it happen. Insane...see previous post. "I'll never be able to do this." "I am not strong enough." "I am not good enough." "I am not loving enough." All of these internal struggles and fears giving way to actions I often regret. Doubt...Regret...

Getting stuck in doubt and regret leaves us where? Stuck in labor...suffering. A good midwife will know what to do at these times to help us along until we finally give birth to a brand new outlook and understanding of ourselves. It is this deeper understanding that helps us not to repeat the same mistakes thus perpetuating our own suffering. It is from this place of deeper understanding that compassion is born...and wisdom. The same compassion and wisdom you will call upon when it is your turn to assist the laboring men, women and children in your life.

I realized last Thursday evening, while eating blueberry sorbet with only two of the very special women that I know, how very fortunate I am. I am blessed to be a part of the group in society called Mothers. We work in the trenches as trash pickers and shit cleaners. But we are also vessels of light juggling the orbs of human experience and spinning them into a golden thread that connects us all. I am grateful for every single mother I know. I learn from you all, I share with you all, I laugh with you and cry with you all. It truly does take a village and each of your fingerprints are on the hearts and minds of the children I am raising whether you know it or not. This has been my experience. Thank you.

Happiness Is...

I realized this week that the only way to be happy is to continue on the path of self delusion. Geez, and I thought it was meditating and deep spiritual understanding. Boy do I have egg on my face. Only thing is that now that I am aware of my own need for self delusion while simultaneously being aware of how I create it and how deeply the layers of this crap go, I can't go back to believing my own delusions because I know they are no longer real. So, I'll never be happy?

Nah, nah that can't be right? I guess I'll be happy when I am happy and bummed when I am bummed instead creating my own blissful reality where I am always happy unless someone else's delusions collides with mine in which case I grapple with my own attatchments to being happy and they grapple with theirs and we fight and I may even get violent. Isn't that what happens?

Somehow, I feel gipped? Where is the payoff? Spiritual work is hard work. Why do it? Why should I? Because it is the right thing to do? Who says? God? Buddha? The Universe?

Soul searching has left me feeling a bit vulnerable. It is not fun to notice parts of the self that are not in keeping with one's image of oneself. My initial reaction is to shut down certain parts of myself and to go on autopilot or self preservation mode. Eeeegad. For example, I like to tell myself, "I am a good person." While I am at it, I create evidence to support this claim. I do nice things for people. Then when my ego begins to tell me, "Well, you are not as good as (insert person comparing self to here" I can say, "But I am a good person because I do (insert list of good deeds here)." Now, you see I am seeing all kinds of networks in my head that are related to this very thing and I realize that I have ulterior motives which are self serving and not so pure after all. I just want to see myself as good and if it happens to help others, then all the better. Talk about pulling the rug out. What would I see if I went to look in the mirror right now? Would there be anyone looking back? Would I recognize that person at all? I certainly have my work cut out for me undoing this programming in all these different areas. Now that delusions don't work for me, I have no choice. But, then trusting myself is an issue too because how do I know that I am not just creating another way to see myself as good? Aren't I judging myself with every ounce of this introspection?

Man...will I ever get out of here?

Sit...breathe...do nothing...breathe some more.

Excellent, excellent well...

Just had to share...

A painting of mine got into the Fair Fine Arts Show!!!! YAY!!!

...okay. Ahem. Personal art goals on target. Funny thing is, I forgot to take a picture of this piece before I delivered it. So, I'll have to take one and post it later. We went out to dinner to celebrate and hell yeah I got dessert!

Today, we spent the day at the library. The boys read and read and read. Elijah did some drawing and created some kind of Sonic airplane with his new activity set that he got for completing the summer reading program. I am so happy for Isaac. He just learned to read like a month ago. More importantly, he is happy about it. He sits eyes fixed under furrowed brows and tries to figure out words EVERYWHERE now! It is so cool to see his world just opening up for him. It is like the part of the Wizard of Oz where it goes from black and white to color.

I got in some reading and a couple of sketches of a character that I am developing for my Too Tight Ponytail Girl project. I don't know why, but all of the sudden, I have such a clear vision of where that project needs to go. The trouble is, I have too little time to work on it, so artistically I am always playing "catch up." I have to refamiliarize myself with drawing all over again. Better that than rich in time and a famine of ideas I guess. I'm not sure though. I have enough interests and British comedy dvd's to get me through any rich in time but creative famine periods. Bring it on I say.

Tomorrow, it is going to be a full day with an early movie with free popcorn, lunch at the library and then sketching at the zoo. I know, I'm insane. I'm pretty sure I'll be committed complete with sedatives and straight jacket by about 4:30. Please visit me in the asylum. Oh and I need volunteers who are willing to keep my mustache under control and wipe the drool off of my chin for me. I'm pretty sure the nurses will do all the other stuff. Hey, maybe then my art will sell. Heehee.

What to do? What to do?

What to do? What to do? Here I sit all bleary eyed and sleep deprived trying to wake up after not having been able to sleep well at all last night. Such has been the pattern the last couple of nights. Well, except for Saturday night when my husband and I had a date and he read to me. Heaven...ahhhh. We are reading Neverwhere by Niel Gaiman. When he reads to me, I lay close to him so that I can feel the vibrations of his voice so soothing and lulling. There is nothing more relaxing than this before sleep, except maybe his touch. So I slept well Saturday night, but it was that hard kind of sleep because Saturday had been exceptionally busy with the SAVE THE EARTH COMMUNITY SWAP MEET! It was fun, but a lot of work and exhausting. Lots 'o stuff was saved from the land fill - so yay us!

So begins my week of getting recentered. How do I appraoch it? It is supposed to rain quite a bit this week. So, I am definitely taking the kids to do something outside today! It is either going to be Alum Creek Beach or Old Man's Caves! We will pack lunches and backpacks with sketchbooks and watercolors and find a spot to sit and play. Yes, I think we will...

I'll save the library and a few indoor things for the rainy week ahead. The zoo with sketchbooks and paints would be awesome because of the indoor coral reef exhibit. The kids would have fun trying to draw some of their favorite fish.

I am hoping to provide enough balance between entertainment and interaction with them that I could work through some of the landslide that is going on in my head. I just have so much coming through all at once that my thoughts are getting a little deafening. I have got to get some images down and some writing out to help me gain my perspective.

I meditated for two hours last night when I couldn't sleep. It was heavenly. Usually, if I can't sleep, I stubbornly persist until I finally fall asleep. It is a hellish way to spend time in my opinion. Not being able to sleep is like a mini nervous breakdown for me. I want nothing more than to sleep. Purely exhausted, I lay there thinking about how ill prepared I'll be for the next day and being a parent to two active boys. Of course sleep continues to further illude me. It is as if I have joined forces with the gerbil on the squeeking wheel in the next room, grasping for what I cannot reach until completely spent. Finally, sleep catches me when I am most unaware. Bliss. But I am not relieved. I am asleep and therefore unaware.

Last night, I got up and decided to take it to the meditation cushion. I sat for quite awhile and just watched thoughts race through my head this way and that. It is amazing the difference it makes when you merely watch thoughts instead of getting on board with them. About 2am I was ready for bed. Ahhh.

So here I am, tired but relaxed. Tired but awake to a day full of possibilities and challenges...awake to observe and just do.

Off to take a vote with the kids about where to go today.

Cry, Baby, Cry

I have allowed myself the indulgence of playing guitar for the last two days in a row. I am learning the song, Cry, Baby, Cry by The Beatles. It is heavenly to play for myself and for my voice alone. Another way to just open the heart and release... God, why don't I do that more often? I have got to peel myself away from "stuff" like a stamp already adhered to a letter and make something beautiful with the tattered, frayed edges or the scrapings left behind.

I have been thinking about something I read in John Daido Loori's book The Zen of Creativity. he talks about this idea of "moving samadhi." My teacher says "it" is something "out there" and has nothing to do with the self or being self centered. So, I have been trying this and I feel like the chicken who has stepped onto the freeway to get to the other side but got run over ten times on his way there. I have been trying to turn myself over to whatever is needed at the moment with helping others being a huge focus. But somewhere along the berm I lost my sense of direction and balance and was no longer able to go with the flow of traffic. There has got to be a way to stay centered, open, kind and loving and still get a lot done and connect and help people too.

I am sulking right now. I was going to spend the afternoon making a craft that was Isaac's idea. I am in store for another busy week. (Again, I am going to start saying no to stuff as of July 10th, so that I may retreat and get to know myself again.) Anyways, Isaac had this idea of sewing his own creatures to make stuffed animals all his own. My heart flipped and being the homeschool Mom that I am, I wanted to reinforce his creativity and do this as quickly as possible. Only today was one of those days where getting everyone out of the house to go get the supplies to make the craft was about as easy as the first time I attempted to leave the house with a newborn. Now, I am too exhausted and my kids have been arguing with each other non-stop! I have had to disengage before I lose my mind. They have been informed that we are no longer going to make the craft and that we are staying home. For the last ten minutes, I have heard nothing but giggles, fun noises, and play sounds. So I ask you, who wanted it more, me or them? Silly that I still fall for this after being a parent for almost ten years.

I guess it is time to move on...

So, I am blogging about nothing in particular. I am taking this time for myself.

I entered two paintings in the State Fair Fine Arts Competition. I did it. I am working on getting myself out there more and more. After this show in November, I want to come up with some new goals for my art. Don't tell anyone, but I may see if I can do a solo show February of 2008...it's a secret.

I have had this urge to write over the last couple of days. So, I am going with this and may actually work on an old poem this afternoon. Maybe I'll get something ready to submit to be published. I think I should set a rejection quota so that I can at least succeed at being rejected. Hehe. Say, twenty by the end of the year? That is just to amuse myself mind you. Ahem.

Next week is going to be nothing but art for me. I am just going to do it. I am going to meditate, read, write, draw, paint, play music, take long baths and whatever else I want to do. But, in order to do this, I must trick the tricksters into playing along. I must be clever. Eww...the pressure. I'll have to come up with a few new ideas and wide open spaces. New ideas and wide open spaces keep the attention of my little jester elves longer than the average everyday stuff. So maybe we'll spend a day at a lake where they can play and I can sketch. Maybe I'll set up an outside painting area for us to just play then clean up by just hosing down the area. Oh, and we are due for a library visit. They will be happy to get new books, play on the computers while I read or draw. Oh, and we have a box of scrap lumber. I should just let them go at making stuff out of wood. I can read while they do that outside. I hope the weather cooperates. I'll also need to stock up on self serve foods and easy meals. There'll be enough cheese quessadillas and nachos to last Napoleon a whole year of High School. I'll need to grocery shop on Sunday evening...maybe Monday as I have a wedding shower on Sunday.

Ten Things That are Beautiful About Right Now!

1. The birds chirping and flitting about outside my window
2. The cool breeze on a sunny, summer day
3. Evidence of the cup of ginger tea that my husband brought me before I was even awake this morning
4. Rumpled bed sheets entwined with cozy blankets on my bed - inviting and full of possibilities and memories
5. The sounds of my children being silly throughout the house
6. The pressure of the keys hitting the blisters on the fingers of my left hand - etchings of time spent in song
7. The sun beating down on my garage outside my window - why am I in here?
8. I have the rest of the day to do something beautiful with after I make some lunch and some calls of course
9. I get to make my own schedule
10. Observing a moth on my wall, not through my own eyes, but through the eyes of a five year old who still sees all fluttering little creatures as butterflies

Off to make lunch!

Raise Your Hand If Your Pick Your Nose While Driving

Humor me on this will you?

We feel safe in our cars, don't we? We are alone in what feels like four walls, but it isn't. We are alone with our thoughts, our judgments and our illusions. We have our music, our things accompanying us out in the world to send a message to the rest of the herd as to what group or category we should be lumped in. We are free to see ourselves the way we want to and to see others however we wish...kind of like a Baptist Preacher. There is no fear of accountability. Anonymous and fleeting judgment is as good as an invitation. So, relaxed and feeling more confident than usual, your hand creeps up to dislodge the booger blocking the airway. God forbid you get to your destination and there is someone there to see you do it. No, it must be done in secrecy, BUT IN FRONT OF WINDOWS AND AT RED LIGHTS LESS THAN FOUR FEET AWAY FROM ANOTHER PERSON WHO HAPPENS TO LIKE WATCHING PEOPLE IN THEIR CARS - (that would be me.) Teehee. We are oddly humorous, we humans. How can we take ourselves so seriously when we have such incongruent social mores? Well, that's it! I refuse to take any of you, this, it seriously anymore!

We believe we are alone although we are behind glass through which we can see other people. Huh? There must be some term for this. Kind of like object impermanence but also kind of like an ostrich who believes it is hiding with only its head in the sand. So, which is it? Do we believe that we or others disappear behind/in front of glass? Think about how much we change as we step in front of and out from behind glass doorways and windows.

It is no wonder we are splintered and medicated. We have so many ways of being that it gets a bit much to manage sometimes. I mean, just today I was in Target and inadvertently came very close to bumping into a young couple. I heard myself say, "Excuse us." Yet I was with no one. So who exactly was I referring to? Not sure. Moving on...

Please don't mistake this as some tirade against people who pick their noses in their cars, or who are medicated or splintered either. Some of my best friends do and are (you know who you are.) None of that is what this is all about. I am just saying you have to pick (pardon the pun) what side you are on and play that side all the way.

So, I guess what this boils down to is that I have to decide whether I am going to be a public booger picker, a private booger picker, a pretend private booger or what have you and be consistent. But, then I have to judge which one is best then align myself as such. With further thought on the matter, I try to stay away from that judgment trap so maybe the best way for me personally is just knowing what I am doing while I am doing it instead of conjuring an illusion to make some sort of behavior seem okay. Because really, what is wrong with booger picking in any of these situations? It's not the booger or the picking but the lies that we tell ourselves to overcome our guilt for what is natural that is the problem.

So this week, I aspire to be aware of picking my nose while I am picking it as well as being aware of all decisions not to pick my nose and why. With this decision comes some responsibility of hygiene and germ control. I accept that in all situations. So whether I pick my nose at home, in my car, in public, or decide not to pick my nose at all, I must be fully aware of my intentions and shed all illusions and concerns of what others think of me. Ideally, someday I will be the person who can pick their nose whenever and wherever while making eye contact with a stranger! Yeah, that's what I want to be when I grow up.