Happiness Is...

I realized this week that the only way to be happy is to continue on the path of self delusion. Geez, and I thought it was meditating and deep spiritual understanding. Boy do I have egg on my face. Only thing is that now that I am aware of my own need for self delusion while simultaneously being aware of how I create it and how deeply the layers of this crap go, I can't go back to believing my own delusions because I know they are no longer real. So, I'll never be happy?

Nah, nah that can't be right? I guess I'll be happy when I am happy and bummed when I am bummed instead creating my own blissful reality where I am always happy unless someone else's delusions collides with mine in which case I grapple with my own attatchments to being happy and they grapple with theirs and we fight and I may even get violent. Isn't that what happens?

Somehow, I feel gipped? Where is the payoff? Spiritual work is hard work. Why do it? Why should I? Because it is the right thing to do? Who says? God? Buddha? The Universe?

Soul searching has left me feeling a bit vulnerable. It is not fun to notice parts of the self that are not in keeping with one's image of oneself. My initial reaction is to shut down certain parts of myself and to go on autopilot or self preservation mode. Eeeegad. For example, I like to tell myself, "I am a good person." While I am at it, I create evidence to support this claim. I do nice things for people. Then when my ego begins to tell me, "Well, you are not as good as (insert person comparing self to here" I can say, "But I am a good person because I do (insert list of good deeds here)." Now, you see I am seeing all kinds of networks in my head that are related to this very thing and I realize that I have ulterior motives which are self serving and not so pure after all. I just want to see myself as good and if it happens to help others, then all the better. Talk about pulling the rug out. What would I see if I went to look in the mirror right now? Would there be anyone looking back? Would I recognize that person at all? I certainly have my work cut out for me undoing this programming in all these different areas. Now that delusions don't work for me, I have no choice. But, then trusting myself is an issue too because how do I know that I am not just creating another way to see myself as good? Aren't I judging myself with every ounce of this introspection?

Man...will I ever get out of here?

Sit...breathe...do nothing...breathe some more.