Abundance

I have been frazzled and in a bit of a funk. I don't usually blog a lot when I am like that. This is partly because I don't like to put that sort of thing out there. But it is also because I am trying to conserve energy to find balance.

I started with the basics. I went grocery shopping and spent a whopping $175.00 on good wholesome food for nice home cooked meals. Home cooked meals makes us all slow down, visit and I believe process our food more efficiently. Thus nourishing our bodies more effectively. I also started making an effort to go to bed early. I have to get at least 8 hours if I am to get up at 5:30 am to meditate. That bit of time dedicated to my practice every morning is such an anchor. So, I renewed my efforts there.

But, Friday, I was still finding myself falling into these old patterns again. Rushing here and there...not really listening to anyone, not really breathing, not really fully present I guess. I had this sense of being hungry all day. But instead of really being present in my own hunger, I focused on the external things that I needed to get done. I made a warm, healthy breakfast for my kids. Why did I not sit down with them and share in this meal? I felt I had too much to do so I grabbed a protein bar and a glass of water. I began chopping vegetables and cooking rice in preparation for a meal that I was making for friends who just had a baby. I got everything ready so that when I returned home all I had to do was cook it and deliver it. I got the kids ready for their activities, grabbed two bananas (one for each kid) and a protein bar for me, all for the road and headed out the door.

My first destination was to meet up with a friend who was taking my oldest for a few hours to play with her oldest. They are dear friends of ours and we have not spent enough time together lately. We were meeting at a library parking lot which we determined was a half way point between her house and my house because they live out of the city and she was just being very generous and open to her heart that day and offered and I said yes. So, when I got there, I was talking to her as the kids were jumping around joyously happy to see each other. She popped open her trunk, never missing a beat. She pulled back a kitchen towel from a tray in her trunk revealing two blobs of whole wheat bread dough that looked like breasts with nipples which made us giggle. She kneaded them one at a time, talking to me all the while. When finished, she placed the towel back over the dough with care and closed her trunk. We embraced and departed. I couldn't help but smile as I followed her car toward the interstate and thought of the two lumps of dough along for the ride in the back of her car.

Next, I was headed to take my youngest to his rec center classes. He is taking gymnastics and an art class. As I reached our freeway exit, I became aware of a homeless man holding sign that said "Hungry and Homeless Need Help." I looked over at the banana and the protein bar lying in the seat beside me. I debated for a moment about my lack of breakfast and decided to give the man the food I had. He recieved it eagerly and thanked me. I knew I was going to feel hungry this afternoon and didn't have time to get anything to eat. But, I felt good about having made this decision.

My youngest enjoyed his classes at the rec center. We painted together in his art class and then it was time to go home. I was very hungry by this point. I made my youngest something to eat and then began the final steps of the meal I was planning to take to my friends. It didn't occur to me to eat. I was on a schedule. I finished up the meal and soon we were headed out the door to take the food to its rightful owners. I visited for a moment, held the new baby. She was so sweet and snuggly. Ah. Beautiful.

In no time, we were on the run again. It was time to meet my friend at the same library to pick up my oldest. I arrived feeling extremely hungry. So hungry, I was jittery. My friend had not yet arrived and there was a Wendy's nearby. I really did not want to eat out. But I had a thunderbolt hit me all of the sudden. WHY HAD I DENIED MYSELF SUSTENANCE ALL DAY? I was literally surrounded by food the entire day and had not taken so much as a bite to sustain myself. I gave food away to sustain others, never once having worked on sustaining myself. I realized how, first of all, this is silly and impractical. Secondly, I realized that this is a metaphor for something with deeper meaning in my life. It is like the dharma. "Dharma gates are countless." That means they are all around us all the time. But, if we are not aware of it, how can it sustain us? Equally, how can the food that was all around me sustain me if I don't choose to eat it?

With that realization, I shurked the judgement of disliking eating out and pulled into the Wendy's drive thru and ordered a baked potato. I ate this baked potato in the library parking lot while waiting for my friend and my oldest son while chewing on this bit of insight that had come to me. When my friend showed up, she gave me the fresh baked "sister loaf" to her loaf waiting at home. I thanked her and shared with her my realization about the food/dharma metaphor I had been experiencing all day. We marvelled for a moment about how the universe provides us with what we need for balance. I told her that her bread would go well with some left over split pea vegetable stew I made the day before. We embraced and went our seperate ways.

Since that moment of realization, I have felt lighter. This funk has lifted. My husband and I were given an opportunity to go the the Zen Center together for a sit this morning. Afterwards, we were pleasantly suprised to learn there was a dharma talk by a visiting Zen Teacher. Both unexpected, but illustrations of how the universe provides what you need. Awareness is key. All I needed to do was slow down and become aware again. Ah, I can breath again.