To Know Myself as an Artist?

This weekend when I walked into my studio, I had no idea what I was going to do. Often when I feel like this but force myself to work on a specific project, I screw it up. So, I moved all of my projects in progress to the far side of my studio and began something new. I haven't had a lot of experience in watercolor. But, I have a painting that has been in my head and in the sketch realm for about two years now. I am afraid to tackle it being inexperienced at watercolor. However, I believe that is probably the best medium for the piece. Also, I remember my friend Sharon saying that the Ohio State Fair art competition doesn't get a lot in the way of watercolor and there are seperate awards from the Watercolor Society for watercolor pieces or something like that. So a long time ago I made a mental note that if I got this piece done and could pull it off, I'd enter it in the Ohio State Fair. I did three studies this weekend. To the left is the most detailed of the three. It took many hours, but I enjoyed it immensely and was thrilled by the sounds of the Footloose Soundtrack while I worked.?. Yes. For those of you who do not remember, it includes such hits as Footloose, Let's Hear It For The Boy, and I'm Free. I don't know why? I was feeling kind of bummed until I put that on and the sheer silliness of seeing myself sitting there listening to it turned my mood around. Then all the sudden I was heavy in thought about Chris Penn and how it was his big break and how he is no longer with us and I felt sad again. So, I moved on. Next in line was listening to Jerry Raferty's Baker Street when an idea popped in my head. So, I kept listening to it over and over while I quickly tried to sketch out some of my idea before I lost it. I think I listened to it ten times and got nothing more than a few notes. My visual is linked to the song now, so I can't forget it. By this time, my watercolor was dry enough to work on again. So, I put on Coldplay (play all) and let it go while I got completely engrossed in my watercolor studies for about another two and a half hours.

While I was working, I contemlpated some of the things I read in Twyla Tharp's book. I am still not ready to answer these questions, but am deep in thought about them. If I answer them, I will feel committed to the answers and I am just not ready for that yet. But they are great questions to think about. I don't know when I will be ready to answer them.

My Creative Autobiography

1. What is the first creative moment you remember?

2. Was anyone there to witness or appreciate it?

3. What was the best idea you have ever had?

4. What made it great in your mind?

5. What was the dumbest idea?

6. What made it stupid?

7. Can you connect the dots that lead to this idea?

8. What is your creative ambition?

9. What are the obstacles to this ambition?

10. What are the vital steps to achieving this ambition?

11. How do you begin your day?

12. What are your habits? What patterns do you repeat?

13. Describe your first successful creative act.

14. Describe your second sucessful creative act.

15. Compare them.

16. What are your attitudes toward: Money? Power? Praise? Rivals? Work? Play?

17. Which artists do you admire most?

18. Why are they your role models?

19. What do you and your role models have in common?

20. Does anyone in your life regularly inspire you?

21. What is your muse?

22. Define muse.

23. When confronted with superior intelligence or talent, how do you respond?

24. When faced with stupidity, hostility, intransigence, laziness or indifference in others how do you respond?

25. When faced with impending success or the threat of failure, how do you respond?

26. When you work, do you love the process or the result?

27. At what moments do you feel your reach exceeds your grasp?

28. What is your idea creative activity?

29. What is your greatest fear?

30. What is the likelihood of either of the answers to the previous questions happening?

31. Which of your answers would you most like to change?

32. What is your idea of mastery?

33. What is your greatest dream?

See? I know. Heavy stuff. It'll take me years to answer these questions. Not because I don't know the answers to them, but because of the committment I will feel by writing them down. Twyla's idea is that when you answer these questions you have to get to know who you are as an artist. Knowing myself as an artist means wasting less time doing things that are not for me which is often the result of searching. It also means doing something WITH this knowledge which seems so futuristic. When I think in those terms, ideas get shut out and locked up. Moment to moment is where I work best and that is part of what I know about myself as an artist right now.

Here is a study of dew drops on a leaf. I was suprised at how impressive they look but how systematically easy they are. This was a real self esteem booster as an artist. The really good news is that for the first time in my life I am quite fascinated by watercolor. Who knew? Maybe that is part of knowing myself as an artist - or maybe I don't really want to know myself as an artist because I would say, "Oh I don't do watercolor." Then I would have missed out on something. Still searching...

Poetry Reading

Untitled
Scream it from the mountain top
And whisper it in the ears of babes
Read it in a voice as proud As Lincoln
when he freed the slaves
Four score and several lifetimes ago
Darkness covered the earth
Hiding the truth behind its veils
And allowing its lies to give birth
Deceptive demons slithered to life
And wormed into the hearts
Of otherwise good and honest men
And seized control of their parts
So with one hand they signed for freedom
And the other they bought slaves
With one eye turned Heavenward
The other looked into graves
With one kiss they showed their wives
How a compliment can be paid
With a second one they turned to violence
And raped their negro maid
They'd sing God's hymns on Sunday
Before beating a man to death
Like what they did on one day
Had no bearing on the next

If all men are created equally
How did they get indian lands
How did they get from liberty
To African blood on our hands
The history of this great nation
And, yes, I believe it's great
Has somehow used visionaries
To plant the seeds of hate
Cunning manipulations
Of facts and truths and lies
Has somehow lulled us away
And bid us to close our eyes
Now few can see the trend continues
Even to this very day
We all have freedom of speech
Depending on what you say
College students with flowers
Were killed by soldiers' fire
Right here where we make our homes
Turning Jefferson into a liar

Now our president uses pretty words
To entice our citizens to go off and kill
The very same rhetoric that General Grant used
To give his men a thrill
You're fighting for liberty and democracy
You're fighting for freedom for all
And because the enemy doesn't know what's good for them
A few of you will fall
Now we're past two thousand and counting
And there's no end in sight
He's just asked for more money
To continue imposing his might

The politicians are still lying to the people
And good free men are being jailed
After so long why can't we succeed
Where our forefathers failed?
By Corey Borders

I went to the Columbus Music Hall with my brother last night to see the Writer's Block Poetry Slam. It was so wonderful to hear so much passion and expression. I was among artists and I felt at home...until they asked me to be a judge. Then I began to sweat a little. It was all good. But that is a bit of a pressure situation. It's not even anonymous. The poets read and then you hold up a number. I was asked to judge on my personal reaction the the pieces. These are some brave souls who share their art and souls and wait to be judged. I admire them all. I am proud to see artists putting their work out there and standing by it proudly. I must say that I am also thrilled to see that there is something like this going on in Columbus.

So, my brother didn't read. But his friend Corey did. The poem above is what he read. I had to share. I hope he doesn't mind. I was moved by his words and I think many of you will be as well. I encourage anyone to check out this poetry event that is happening on the first and third Thursday of the month. These are not a bunch of hacks. There are some beautiful artists performing and doing their thing and taking it very seriously. http://www.wideopenwest.com/~efavers0976/OPENMIC_front.htm

Fear

"But now here’s the thing: Once I accepted this, that it was all really happening my fear evaporated almost at once. And I realized, only much later, when I had the luxury of reflecting on the whole thing, that fear never exists inside the moment, that we never actually fear what is, we only ever fear when we peer ahead, when we start thinking about what might happen. Once it actually goes down, you can’t help but start to deal with it." -Lee Stringer

This guy is a great writer and I would highly recommend anyone check out his site.
http://www.leestringer.net/index.html

This is a very Zen thing to say about fear. Fear can effect everything we do and can even change how we live our lives. To run from fear or to stuff fear doesn't work. To stop fear is to recognize its source. You face it in the moment and the illusion is gone as in shining light on a ghost. I am not sure, but I don't think this man is a Zen Buddhist yet this very basic idea was revealed to him at this particular moment.

I have been thinking about how different people seem to "know" things and how some people never get "it." So far, I have only come up with this idea that there is some sort of Universal Wisdom...its huge. It permeates everything. If we quiet ourselves enough to be able to be present in any given moment - not thinking in the future or the past but right at this very second, this Universal Wisdom touches us. Suddenly we know things, as in an answer to a prayer. I am not sure about all this. I am still seeking understanding...connection. The only thing I do know is that when I have these moments, it brings me to a place that feels so peaceful and so full of love that it must be right. I feel such gratitude for everything and everyone in my life. I see beauty everywhere! I feel unpolluted like when I was a small child and would draw, or daydream, or play outside. As children we are in the moment naturally.

I meditated this morning and my mind was all over the place. I continued to breath in and out and count my breaths and all that. After about a half an hour, I settled into a quiet space. I saw myself on a path where leaves were being laid down in front of me and I was moving forward. I saw a blurry sillouhette of a Buddha and felt a pressure in my chest that made me somewhat fearful. Knowing that it is possible even in meditation to create self serving illusions, I tried to shut the image out of my head for a moment and just immersed myself in this pressure that was in my chest. I felt the Buddha was there. I know that seems very strange. But it was this feeling of love that was just huge...like my chest was going to burst open. I was no longer afraid. I just let it fill me up.

Nipple Raising?

My Mom will be arriving home today after her Friday surgery. She is a breast cancer survivor and is having her expanders taken out and her saline implants put in. The next step is to raise the nipples (?) and to tattoo the areolas...or do you say areoli? Yes I did say raise the nipples.

She'll be laid up for a little while. So the kids, Paul and I have taken over plenty of food, flowers and movies for her. I made cream of broccoli soup, broccoli braid, and corned beef and cabbage. Next I am making individual chicken and rice dinners and tomato quiche. That should keep her well fed as she is healing. I hope it makes her feel well loved too.

When you open the little card it says, "You'll perk up soon!" It's true too. My mother is going to have firmer tits than mine! When we are together, people won't know who is the mother and who is the daughter. But they will ask us to keep our shirts on!

Destined For Greatness...

Yeah, we used to hang, the Amazon Princess and I. We'd just shoot the shit fight crime and what not...and I don't mean as her sidekick either.

Happy Birthday Cousin!

Today I'd like to introduce you to someone very special. This is Too Tight's partner in crime, literally because we did break into an apartment once. But, WAIT it's not as bad as it sounds. My Mom didn't buy it either. We got IN SO MUCH TROUBLE for that one.

I grew up with her. Many of my stories are her stories too. We have shared so much through the years and are like sisters, except we always got along.

Well, there was that one time when she threw my brand new faux patent leather Easter shoes across the room and I punched her in the nose. But, that is really the only fight I ever remember us having.

We used to spend the night together. We'd jump on the bed, eat Chapstick, watch movies, eat potato chips and dip. She always liked to dip the bubbly chips in her Pepsi and let the bubble fill up with pop, then eat it. We even went to the same daycare for awhile.

Our families would camp together and we were allowed to just run free. We'd fish, hike, lay flat on our backs in the tall grass, find pretty rocks, make pic nic lunches, play cards, hide from our brothers, breathe, stretch...be.

When we got older, we listened to music, played Atari, bossed our brothers around, played hide and seek in the dark. That was the SHIT! Wouldn't that be fun to do as an adult? Would anybody come if I had a Hide and Seek in the Dark Party? We watched The Dukes of Hazard and the Incredible Hulk on Friday nights. We roller skated like extreme sport champs - backwards, forwards, spirals, squats, jumps. We could skate as well as we could walk. Yeah, we had our hair feathered and our combs in our back pockets...wearin' our halter tops...

When we were teenagers, we worked together at Tastee Freeze, we smoked cigarettes, got high together (she was always so freakin' funny and still is), we got robbed together at Tastee Freeze, We talked on the phone for hours everyday without fail. We talked about Days of our Lives...music...guys...We went to concerts together. We saw Alice Cooper, Aerosmith, Tom Petty, Pink Floyd...We'd cruise together once we got our liscense and blast our tape decks. Though we talked to each other on the phone daily and saw each other at work, we still hung out together on the weekends and on days off of school.

Now that I am a mother, she is a very special person to my kids. I am so glad that I get to share her with them. They see her as a person who loves to laugh and is like the stereotypical fun aunt. She always has Kool Aid when they come to her house. She was the one who introduced "brown" milk to them. I tried to keep that a secret for as long as I could. They liked it. She makes their Easter Baskets every year with stuff picked out just for them because she knows what they like. They miss her when they don't see her for a long time.

She has always been a bright spot in my life no matter how tough things were growing up. She made me laugh. I hope I have given her even an ounce of what she has given me. Happy Birthday Angie. I love ya cuz.

I am good...

"I just decided it is just as well to assume you are good because you will never know during your lifetime. It takes such a load off to assume you are good and just put one foot forward." -Alexis Smith Contemporary American Women Artists

Makes sense.

Today I worked in my studio. I just played around trying to capture a painting technique that I saw today in a couple of books. It is so rich and adds texture. Nothing to show. Just having fun. While I couldn't quite capture it with acrylic, I got a feel for it and would like to try it with oil.

I did try to assemble some of this piece. It didn't work out so well and I am a little concerned. I couldn't get the stairs attatched to the box so that the box would close. this is supposed to be an interactive piece where the viewer is able to open and close the box and get a sense of facing ones own fears. So, it won't be the same if it ends up being just a viewable piece. I decided I had better walk away and think it through some more before I screw it up irrepairably.

I found all of this in my youngest sons pockets while doing laundry. ? They just collect stuff. It makes me smile. I think it could make a fun series of paintings. What suprises lie ahead in the pockets of dirty, rowdy little boys? It is the secret of youth. Just collect stuff. Can you imagine being so mindful of any of these objects that you need to keep them with you? I carry...my IPOD, cell phone, checks, I.D.'s, pens, keys...nope nothing really magical...except on the rare occasion that I remembered to bring my Chapstick. A previous posting alludes to my fascination with Chapstick and/or pica. What do you carry with you?

Best and Worse of the Day

Wow. Have you ever been so busy and in such a whirlwind that when you finally have quiet you just feel stunned? That's me right now.

I am trying to relax with a cup of peppermint tea and some Pretty and Twisted as I reflect over my day.

Best of the Day
1. Watching the drama teacher that reminds me of David Cross struggle as he tried to enforce structure and rules upon a group of unschooled homeschool kids whose philosophy goes something like a sing songy "Rules Shmules." What was he thinkin? I had a great time imagining what he really wanted to say to those kids. I kept picturing it as a Mr. Show skit with various silly antics, vulgarities and cursewords all at the expense of the kids. In his defense, they were out of control. It was like Lord of the Flies. I thought they were going to eat him alive. At one point I whispered to my friend Sharon that the least we could do is invite him out for a beer after. I felt bad.
2. A midget with bleach blonde hair wearing lime green sweat pants and a trench coat. Okay, that was the other day. But it made a lasting impression. I'd say a trenchcoat draws attention right smack to the whole height thing. But, she had it goin' on and didn't seem to worried about it.
3. A hug from Talia.
4. That Go Go's song that they played in Giant Eagle when I was shopping. It wasn't one of their hits. It was rockin'. I was totally jammin' and beboppin' in the store. I love not caring what people think and just having fun all by myself. Anyways, I gotta get some Go Go's for my IPOD.
5. Buying both kids a treat and having them both say, "Thank You" emphatically. I believed I was appreciated at that moment. That is always nice.
6. Vegetarian chili dogs that are so damn close to the real thang that I ate two and could have forced down a third.

Worst of the Day
1. Grocery shopping at Giant Eagle sucked today. In spite of the Eagle's Nest, the trip was tiring and the day I go grocery shopping is the day they are moving the whole natural food section all around. Therefore it took me twice as long as it would have to get what I needed.
2. Second grade math with my seven year old.
3. The lady at Giant Eagle who had a bad hairdo and way too much eyeliner who snapped when I asked her if there was more than one vegetarian chili selection available. She said, "M'am, this IS the natural food section. If you want more variety you will have to go to another area of the store." I wanted to snatch her up by her perm dried mullet and...peacefully explain to her why her tone was inappropriate. I muttered something about shopping at Whole Foods and left it at that.
4. My chihuahua shitting and pissing all over the place. He is so friggin' annoying. But so cute at the same time. I told him he is small enough to seriously hurt and still have enough energy to bury the same day. He barely recognizes his name and so I am sure he doesn't understand English. I know it was mean. But you laughed a little didn't you?

How could I stay mad?

Boy was Little Miss Matchpack pissed!

My tea is cold. I am going to go heat it up.

Emerge

Broken Open...but not broken.

Open suitcase heart,

Hold your ground.

Stand up to anyone.

Very irrespressible spirit.

Suffering strengthens.

A thorn through your heart,

Connection,

Think and feel horrible.

Don't stay there.

Heart getting bigger by the minute.

Correspondence Piece by Melissa Ayotte

Stupid Quiz

Your Social Dysfunction: Schizotypal You display social deficits and oddities of thinking. Your perception and communication are similar to those of a schizophrenic.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

A long time ago I vowed never to take these kinds of quizes about the same time I vowed never to buy another issue of Cosmo. I was lured into taking this quiz because Alissa's results were so sunny. I wanted to hear good stuff about me too! That's the last time I do that! It's just like my Mama always used to say, "Crazy is as crazy does."
I am working in my studio today and listening to music. I am diggin' the Pieces of April Soundtrack. I have a piece that I am going to assemble. Other than that, I am just playing around. I feel restless and I don't have a lot of focus. I need a bath! But, I am forcing myself to get some work done. If anything good comes of it, maybe I'll post it. Then again, maybe not. In the meantime, Little Miss Matchpack has hooked up with a few bathtime favorites and seems to be engaged in a bit of a Boogaloo!

I am too freakin' moody to post anymore. I better get back to work and get something done. Check ya later.

Today...I Play!

Outside my window, I see this. It is a day made for play... It is a funday, my I don't have to run day, but not Sunday, or Monday or whatever the hell that song was about. It's Saturdaaay Hee hee eee hee hee Hee hee eee hee hee...
Can ya here the music? Soul Coughing - Super Bon Bon "Move Aside and let the man go through, let the man go through" I love that song. I forgot I had it. Head bopping and grooving while my fingers are working these keys. So, I will be reading, playing with my Little Miss Matchpack that my dear friend Sharon gave me, bathing & eating marshmallows, lounging, blogging, photographing, singing, playing guitar or whatever I want to do. Noo cookie and no cleanie today! I am taking the day off! I may have a Saturday movie...something silly...something like let's say Dazed and Confused and then a little Mr. Show later because David Cross just cracks me up! This will all work swell as long as I don't look up! Inside my house, in my bedroom and office only, there is an epidemic case of cobwebs and dustbunnies conspiring to form a dark cloud that forever looms above me. It's true. It looks furry. I'm not being paranoid. Everywhere else in the house, the sky is clear. WTF? I could wear a hat with a visor. Nah...I'll just stay in the bathroom. It's my favorite room in the house anyways. If I could put a bathtub in my studio, it'd be my studio. But until then, the bathtub reigns.

Little Miss Matchpack Rocks! She is so adorable, and conveniently sized too! I can take her ANYWHERE! I have introduced her to some of her roommates already and they seem to be getting along splendidly! BTW, don't ever say to your husband that you didn't answer him because you thought his question was rhetorical. They get kinda steamed. Boy was Little Miss Matchpack uneasy. She's new. Also, don't say, "Remember that time you thought you were funny? You weren't." Because then they'll just say, "Bite Me." As if?

Humpty Dumpty

Raise Your Hand if You Stepped in Shit Today!

I stepped in chihuahua poop today.
How was your day?

Yep. It was still warm and it kind of stuck to my sock. So, my chihuahua's name has gone from Forrest, to Moron, to a lower still Lamont (Big Dummy.) It could have been worse, I guess. I mean if it were a sombody's poop instead of a dumb dog's poop I would have hated that more. Also a big pile of poop would be way worse than a teeny tiny little chihuahua turd. So really, it wasn't so bad. It seems a fitting metaphor for my day. It just wasn't a huge pile o' poop kind of day. It was just a teeny tiny turd kind of day.


Scale:
Somebody's Poop - 10 ("O00H FUUUUCK NOOOOO!")
Great Dane Poop - 9 ("FUCK!")
Laborador Poop - 8 ("Fuckin' gross!")
Cocker Spaniel Poop - 6 ("Gross!")
Poodle Poop - 4 ("OH NO!")
Chihuahua Poop - 2 ("Oh man!")
Dried Turd - 1 ("Oh thank God!")

I think a dried turd is just the threat of what a bad day it could have been. In fact, it could be a universal symbol of gratitude. When you step on a dried turd, you are immediately grateful as in, "Oh thank God it wasn't warm and squishy." That Zen stuff is really helping me find clarity on so many levels!

Okay, well enough talkin' shit...(I couldn't help it)

I am going to go meditate.

I have been tagged!

Sharon didn't think I'd check. But heehee, I'll show her! Of course she won't know it because she is busy playing World of Warcraft like a fiend. Can you say INTERVENTION?

Blog tag! I'm IT? Okay. Here goes.

Four jobs I’ve had in my life:
1. Food Server/Cashier at a Tastee Freeze that used to get robbed regularly on Friday nights
2. Computer Operator at EDS
3. Dishroom worker at Ohio University
4. O.U. housekeeping dorm cleaner

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Rushmore
2. Grease (chang chang changitty chang shoo bop)
3. Jesus' Son
4. Cool Hand Luke

Four Places I have lived:
1. Deming Ave. right across from the fire station and behind the DQ on Indianola (we rented here when I was born)
2. 3654 Beulah Rd Apt. D (age 9)
3. North Fourth Street (an apartment with a crumbly front porch) (Age 3)
4. Broadmeadows Blvd. (next to a cemetary)(Age 7)

Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. The Tick
2. Black Ader
3. Young Ones
4. VH1 Behind the Music or Biography about ANYONE...I get so addicted to these shows!

Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Cancun
2. Ireland
3. San Francisco
4. New York City

Four websites I visit daily:
1. My Yahoo Page & email
2. Mother Artists At Work
3. Yahoo News
4. ?

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Jasmine's Favorite at Aladdin's
2. Kung Pao Chicken
3. Aloo Muttar
4. POTATO CHIPS!

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. In a hot bathtub that is made for lounging for hours
2. At Alissa's sharing art and dessert with some of my favorite girlfriends
3. Snuggled up with my hubby on date night (nudge, nudge, wink, wink - ya know what I mean?)
4. on my meditation cushion