In a Serious Wonder...

I stepped out into the rain, giggling as the coldspray hit my face. There were gusts of wind whispering to us, "Spring is coming." My attention was still on the company of friends and the taste of Birthday chocolate when a stranger came up from behind us and asked for $.49.

"I'm just trying to get something to eat," he said. "I promise, I'll just get something to eat." I gave him my well rehearsed, "I don't have any cash." I was fully prepared to leave it at that, but the man came closer and continued. His slurred speech and wild gaze, so familiar. His hair a knotted black mass atop his medium frame. His hands reaching out to us.

Another gust of wind slapped more cold mist in my face. Arms folded, jacketless, I stood unmoving. I watched as one of my companions made herself and her purse vulnerable. She opened her purse and handed him a folded bill. The stranger's crazy eyes softened slightly and he thanked us all sweetly, humbly. Reaching out, he put his hand on my arm and made eye contact with me. I had nothing to do with the transaction yet there was something here meant for me, maybe for all of us. "Aaaah bless you," he said sweetly. I could have sworn I heard him say, "My baby girl." I shook it off with a shiver. He continued blessing us and everybody else as he continued on his way.

Though anonymous, his gaze haunts me. His physical form, skin color, hair so obviously foreign to me, yet it was as if he were channeling my father. Bizarre.

I instinctively know that this is something I will never be able to fully process or figure out. I'll place this on the compost heap of thoughts and let the layers of gray matter transform it into something magical...a deeper knowing that connects this moment to previous conversations and makes sense out of episodes of interaction with my father. He once said to me as we sat up late in his house in the suburbs, "I always thought I would die a dirty old drunk in the gutter somewhere. Look at me now?" I think he thought or wanted to believe he had it beat. We both did. I have learned that illusions can destroy us, creating a floor of vapor for our egos. I feel sad, but I don't cry anymore.